Traitors

I googled “Confessions of a Car Man” last night. A little bit of ego stroking, I suppose. What came up first, way first, was a blog called “Confessions of a Car Salesman”. It’s one of those blogs whose purpose is to reveal the secrets that will protect the The Others from evil car salesmen.

I didn’t go on that blog. I don’t have the stomach for it for the same reasons I won’t watch anything on television that has to do with selling cars. The only exceptions are stories about car dealership closures that are now popping up with frightening frequency. I watch them with dead eyes and jaw dropped wondering what the hell is going to happen to our kind. So no, I didn’t log onto the car salesman blog because I have no interest in giving any time to people I consider traitors.

It is important here that I emphasize the difference between a car salesman and a Car Man. If you haven’t read my blog entry on the subject, please do so now. I’ll wait. And while you’re at it check out the entry called “The Others”. I’ll hum something in the meantime, a take off on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”.

“I told that customer don’t come around here.
I think feet buyers are a bunch of queers.
But times are getting rough and a guy’s got to eat.
So fleet it.
Just fleet it.

Fleet it! Fleet it!
Get yourself a truck and fleet it!
Give away the money,
Give away the gross,
Give that company a ten-day float.
Just fleet it.
Yes fleet it.”

Back? You see anyone can sell cars, but only a few of us have earned the right to call ourselves Car Men. The guy who writes the aforementioned blog was not a Car Man for if he were, he would have never sold us out with his disloyalty and lies.

I believe I have the ability to do what he has done. I have what my mother called, “the gift of gab”. This gift regularly visits my fingertips whenever I get near a computer. I believe I have the ability to sell you all out if I was inclined to do so, but I could never do it. I have spent too much time in the trenches to surrender to the Dark Side now.

The Others have an endless fascination with us and what we do. In a way we are the light bulbs and they are the moths. We are forever locked in this battle of wills. For the most part they are ill-equipped to deal with us regardless of the websites, the Edmonds guides, and whatever else that’s out there that is designed to help them screw us. And I think that’s what pisses them off the most. (Don’t you love it?)

There’s an old Car Man expression that goes like this: “How can you tell if a customer is lying? If he’s moving his lips!” It is so true! Now it’s wrong to assume that all customers are flaming assholes. Thinking that he’s guilty until proven innocent won’t put you in the right frame of mind to sell a car. But dealing with The Others is like having a tiger for a pet. You can never forget they’re wild animals and will turn on you in an instant if given a chance.

I was going to write a witty paragraph here about sales trainers, but I thought better of it. If I talk about them any more than I have, people will think I’ve really lost it.

In my opinion we should get out the pitchforks and torches and go after all the disloyal ex-car salesman who help perpetuate the notion that for some reason we shouldn’t be allowed to make any money. I can see it now. We can all gather at the local cyber Car Man bar and volley viruses at their websites. Then we’ll have a few pops, bitch ourselves into a frenzy, and run screaming down the streets with murder in our hearts.

But it’s not like I’m bitter or anything.


Talk to you later,



David