Car Language

Ever notice that the more expensive the car, the more the idiot driving onto your lot thinks he has a right to park it anywhere he wants? I guess if you’re driving a big Mercedes or BMW that gives you the right to use as many parking spaces it requires to protect your self-image on wheels. Honestly, when you see this happening, don’t you ever want to go out there and kill the people? Well, since that solution might put a “doesn’t play well with others” notation in your employee file, it’s probably not a good idea.

Car language is an overlooked part of a car salesman’s training. This is because I’m probably the only one who notices this crap, and I’m not qualified to train a dog much less another salesman. But if you look closely at the cars entering your lot, I suspect you might notice it too.

Most dealerships have certain areas that attract a certain types of buyers to park there. I’m not talking about your established customer parking area where most of the mooches park their $500 cars. I’m talking about the other nooks and crannies that certain people are compelled to seek out. I have given names to some these people and places. Let me share them with you and see if they fit where you work.

Line Pluggers. A line plugger is a customer who is drawn to park in any empty hole in your line. My favorite is the guy who shoves his old Subaru in the hole in the front line you neglected to fill, but he will park in any empty spot he can find. Over the years, I have found that the vast majority of line pluggers are liberals or as I like to call them, propeller heads. As I have previously written, these people don’t care about you or your business, so finding an appropriate place to park doesn’t interest them. You have a very slim chance of selling a line plugger a car. They are usually dumber than a bag of hammers.

Asshole Alley. Asshole Alley is a spot where no one in their right mind should park. They will park in a red zone, next to a fireplug, a place that blocks an entrance and in some cases, parking spots set aside for the disabled. These people are usually drive expensive vehicles and usually have severe personality disorders. They are generally really hard to control and are itching for some time of confrontation.

Firemen and real estate brokers love to park in asshole alley.

Laydown Lane. People who park as far a way from your customer parking area and walk in are usually either complete laydowns or have severely bad credit (or both). If it’s the former, they are the best ups you can have. Visions of a five-pounder dance in a salesman’s mind. But jubilation can quickly turn to disappointment when you discover their FICO score is 492.

I worked for many years at a dealership where it was possible for a customer to circle the entire lot. The car would enter the driveway, turn right, head down the used car lot, turn left and circle around the shop eventually emerging on the side of the showroom where he would either park or continue on his way back out to the street.

After watching this happen for a number of years, I noticed that not all people circled the lot. Some people would drive around the corner then stop, too timid to continue. They would either leave the lot from the same way they came, or park in Laydown Lane.

If a customer orbits your lot more than once, it is called a “John Glenn” after the famous astronaut who first circled the earth three times. Some customers also like to stop their cars in the middle of the lot, and exit their vehicle for a quick peek at your inventory. They will always leave the car running and the doors open for a quick getaway. This procedure is called a “Moon Walk”.

So, how’s your car language? Check out your lot. Do you have an Asshole Alley or a Laydown Lane? I’ll bet you a write up spiff you do.


Talk to you later,


David