Keys

Shortly after Henry Ford unloaded his first shipment of Model Ts at the first Ford dealership, a couple of sets of keys went AWOL. The salesmen, who were innocently hanging out in front of the store smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee at the time, were blamed. Thus began the unholy relationship between car salesmen and keys.

Keys are the bane of a car man’s existence. They seem to disappear without rhyme or reason, sometimes only to reappear at a later date usually after the customer has taken delivery of his new car. Why this happens is a mystery. I believe it’s something that should be investigated by paranormal investigators as possible proof of the devil.

Car keys have an almost Zen-like ability to screw with your mind. They seem fiendishly determined to get car men in trouble. Sometimes they will jump into your pocket so they can spend the night at your place. Sometimes you will find the key to one car sitting on the seat of another car. How the hell did it get there?

Keys are a better example of the force of gravity then Newton’s apple. If given a chance to fall to the ground they will—usually without the slightest provocation—and scamper underneath another car to hide.

Something should be done about keys. They are sneaking little shits. Years ago, when car dealerships routinely opened up every car every day, the rule was you had to lock them up each night with a key. That way all the keys would be accounted for. Those damn keys would sometimes play head games with you. They’d hide somewhere, snickering, as the sales manager threatened to call a locksmith, and all the salesmen would have to stay until a copy was made of the missing sucker, no matter how long it took!

Many car dealers have thought up ingenious plans to keep track of keys. They are kept on orderly keyboards so they can be accounted for. Kind of like when the jailer takes a head count each day. One Sunday afternoon, I was in the back of the lot showing trucks. I had the keyboard firmly in my hand. There would be no escapes on my watch. When I was finished with the customers I went to put the keyboard away, and the place was locked up. I had to take them all home for the night! At first I blamed this fiasco on lazy managers, but the more I thought about it, the more I believed I had gotten myself involved in some mass key breakout attempt.

One popular method of keeping car keys safe are lock boxes affixed to the windows of each car. Each key is placed in there like a prisoner in solitary until a salesman lets it out for exercise. Of course sometimes when you open the lock box, the key isn’t there. Clever, they are. Occasionally the entire lock box goes missing, skipping town on a dealer trade or hiding in the car for reasons unknown to car men. Sadly, sometimes the lock box keys themselves revolt against the treatment of their brethren, leaving the car men to face an angry dealer who for some reason thinks it’s their fault!

I tell you never trust a key. They are ungrateful and disloyal. They will break your heart if you let them. It’s a lesson every car man bitterly learns. It’s one of the reasons this job can be so damn tough.



Talk to you later,



David