Vampires and America's Favorite Pastime

It is a common misconception that vampires only come out at night. This myth has been propagated by popular fiction for decades, but Car Men know from personal experience that vampires can come out anytime, especially on a Saturday around noon. There you will find them gathering at their favorite feeding place, a new car dealership, searching for their favorite prey, a gullible salesman.

Vampires come from all walks of life, from snooty college professor types to the working class stiffs with faded NASCAR stickers on their trade-ins. The professor has done his on-line research, read his well-worn copy of Consumer Reports, and is ready to “go out into the field” to do some serious stroking. The NASCAR guy does not know how to get on the Internet. He just saw the pictures of the new Mustang in the latest issue of “Car and Driver” down at the tattoo parlor and wants to put the pedal to the metal.

Vampires are not particular about whom they suck the blood out of, but green peas are a favorite target. They are young, naïve, and have a lot of product knowledge that they are more than willing to give away. Whether it is a green pea or a seasoned pro a vampire has this uncanny ability to exploit the salesman for everything he knows without buying the car from him.

Protecting yourself from vampires can be tricky. First you have to recognize them. They are very good at disguising their intent; lulling you into believing you might actually have a sale. They feign ignorance about the vehicle of their interest and want you to tell them all you know about the product.

They will suck the energy right out of you and ruin your day.

Why do they do it? Well to put in bluntly: THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! They do not care about the time and effort you put in to make them an informed buyer, it’s price and only price that really interests them. So the Car Man who spends two hours of his life helping them out gets the same chance at a commission as the glorified clerk who just quotes a price over the Internet. Oh how they like that Internet shit! It makes them feel like their screwing somebody, and boy do they like that feeling!

A sales manager reading this might say that if a salesman does his job properly he will get the sale, and frankly he is right in most cases. If a Car Man does a professional job he will either get the sale or recognize a vampire early on in the process and broom the asshole off the lot before he can do too much damage. But sales managers can be a heartless bunch. They want you to go full bore on everyone you speak to. They have either forgotten or fail to understand the effects of a vampire once they get their fangs into a Car Man.

No salesman who has not been snorting something has the energy to do more than two or three proper presentations in a given day. You have to protect yourself, especially as you get older. If you exert too much energy on the noontime vamp, you may have nothing left in the tank for the real buyer at four o’clock.

Vampires are a treacherous breed: selfish, self-centered. They do not care about anything except the object of their automotive desires, and they will stop at nothing to get what they want. So what is a Car Man to do? Murder is usually out of the question, but it is fun to think about.

Over the years I have developed a trick when dealing with them. I give them a brief presentation about the car then bring out the automotive equivalent to holy water: a closing question. I ask them to buy.

“Ahh!” they scream. “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh, what a world!”

Well perhaps I exaggerate, but you can definitely see them squirm. If they do not bolt immediately, you can then proceed with more fun-filled facts about the car before asking them to buy again—this time a little more forcefully.

Car Men have to be wary of The Others and their intentions because figuring out ways to screw us is America’s favorite pastime. The Others are raised to believe that all businesses have the right to make a profit except oil companies and car dealerships. This belief is handed down from one generation to another for reasons I do not think even they understand. It is as part of our society as teaching your daughter to cook or tossing a football with your son. Any Car Man can tell you stories of customers out on expeditions to teach their young how to buy a car. It works roughly the same as a lion teaching her cub to hunt. They come prowling your lot in the hopes of catching fresh meat. Unfortunately the fresh meat is you.

I cannot deny that over the years there has been considerable hanky-panky at our end, especially in the days before CSI, the dreaded Customer Satisfaction Index. Some Car Men are sharks and you have to be careful when swimming with them, but for the most part we tend to treat The Others they way they treat us. If we feel you are open to letting us earn a little money we are less likely to hit you with both barrels from the automotive shotgun.

There are significant negative side effects from the activities of the vampires and the hunters. It has to do with an old Car Man expression, P.P.M.P., an acronym for Poor People Must Pay. Its primarily meaning refers to people with horrible credit having to pay though the nose to buy a car. That is just a fact of life. If you live a screwed-up credit life you will pay, pay and pay.

But there is also a darker meaning. It is a simple fact that someone has to pay to keep a dealership’s doors open. Car dealers cannot survive if they are selling all their cars and trucks at invoice or below. So those who make it their life’s mission to get the absolute lowest price on a car make it necessary for those not as sharp as them to pay significantly more for theirs. As it turns out vampires suck on more than just the blood of Car Men! I have always found it ironic that the educated people of this country, so sensitive to the plight of their fellow man yet so bound and determined to screw a Car Man, make it harder for the average Joe to get a deal.

I suppose the war between Car Men and The Others will continue unabated forever. They will launch salvos of Consumer’s Reports, computer printouts, and Edmonds Guides at us. We will fight them off as best we can use the time-tested methods that are our heritage.

A customer once told me that he had made many a car salesman miserable. “No one has ever made any money on me!” he boasted. He said this with a smirk on his face that made my blood run cold. I wanted to inform him that he could not stand a chance against a professional Car Man. A real Car Man is so good at his craft that most of the time the customer does not even know what hit him. I did not say this, of course. Why bother?

All I know is later that day he drove off in a very nice used Chevy Suburban I sold him. As he drove over the curb I had to smile. He did not know it of course, but he had just joined what I like to call the Golden Circle. It is a club I have for the customers that I have made a commission of $1000 or more.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Here is a fascinating fact: It is common knowledge among Car Men that the happiest customers are the ones who paid the most money for their cars. I swear this is true. Those who mooch on a car deal are rarely satisfied and for some reason have the most problems (or at least perceived problems) with their vehicles down the road. What is that all about? What goes around comes around!

Talk to you later,


David